Human relationships are complex webs of emotions, chemistry, and psychology. While most of us strive for healthy and fulfilling connections, some of us find ourselves drawn to toxic relationships - a cycle that is very hard to break.
I know because I spent the better part of a decade and a half on a hamster wheel of toxic relationships, one after the next, the same pattern over and over again. It took me many years of healing - and a lot of learning (and unlearning!) - to know myself well enough to where I could release these toxic individuals from my life.
Exploring the science behind toxic relationships can provide you with insights into the intricate workings of WHY you find yourself drawn to toxic relationships:
Evolutionary Psychology:
One perspective on the attraction to toxic relationships stems from evolutionary psychology. Our ancestors lived in environments where forming alliances and social bonds were crucial for survival. In certain situations, aligning with individuals who exhibited dominance or assertiveness might have provided a survival advantage. However, in contemporary society, these same traits can manifest as toxic behaviors in relationships.
Familiarity
Humans are creatures of habit, and familiarity often breeds comfort. Individuals who grew up in environments where toxicity was the norm may subconsciously seek out similar dynamics in their adult relationships. This pattern can be a result of a familiarity formed during early life experiences, even if those experiences were detrimental.
Neurochemistry and Addiction:
The brain's reward system plays a significant role in our relationship choices. When we experience positive interactions, our brain releases neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin, creating a sense of pleasure and bonding. In toxic relationships, intermittent reinforcement—periods of positivity followed by negativity—can create a cycle that mimics addictive patterns. The brain becomes conditioned to crave the positive moments, even if they are scarce.
Self-Esteem and Need For Validation:
Individuals with low self-esteem may be more prone to seeking validation from others, especially in relationships. Toxic partners often use manipulation as a tool, making the person with low self-esteem feel dependent on their validation. This creates a cycle where the individual may stay in the relationship in hopes of gaining approval, despite the negative aspects.
Fear of Abandonment:
A fear of abandonment can drive people to stay in toxic relationships. The fear of being alone or rejected can be so overwhelming that individuals endure toxic behaviors rather than facing the perceived alternative of loneliness. This fear may be rooted in past traumas or attachment issues.
Understanding the science behind why YOU are drawn to toxic relationships involves delving into your own neurochemistry and individual psychology. It's important to recognize that these patterns are complex and multifaceted, often stemming from a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking the cycle and fostering healthier relationships. Whether through self-reflection, therapy, or support from loved ones, you can learn to navigate relationships that contribute to your well-being rather than compromise it. By unraveling the science behind your choices, you empower yourself to make more informed and positive decisions in your relationships.
